I’m not really a political beast but between the pile of minority party leaflets on my doorstep and the blanket news coverage there’s no escaping the fact that on May 7th we’ll have opportunity to exercise our powers of democracy.
Those chaps over the pond seem to rave about it so I thought it was about time I gave my vote some serious thought.
The problem is that everything they say is either rubbished by the opposition or is quite frankly a bit boring.
Perhaps we should take a leaf out of our American cousins and just vote for the best face for TV or whoever Opera tells us to.
In this spirit I’ve created a list of my options of the current party leaders.
I did take a look at my local candidates. One of them looks like he was bullied at school, another looks like he was buggered at school and the third looks like he bullied and buggered the other two. All this research got quite tiring so I just watched a bit of the television debates to create my option of their leaders.
The Scotch Lady
I don’t know why this bulldog chewing a wasp is even on our TV. Actually that’s an unfair thing to call her a Bulldog would suggest some sense of Englishness, albeit the sort of Englishness you’ll find in a Margate bedsit but Englishness all the same.
I can’t vote for her because she’s from the colonies and I thought the whole point of BBC Scotland was so that normal hardworking British people do not have to watch programs with Scotch people in.
To Scotch people reading this (if you still are), I don’t mean to offend you, some of my best friends are Scotch but they fled for greener (English) pastures long ago and can’t vote for her either.
The Welsh Lady
Silly party with a silly name. I can’t vote for this one either even though Wales isn’t even a real country.
If you’re Welsh and reading this on your 1MB broadband then have fun wasting your vote on this little lady who looks so far out of her depth that you just want to pat her on the head and say “bless”.
“We’ll hang on a minute!” I bet you’re thinking “Didn’t she do well in the live debate?”
The truth is she looked like a scared little girl who out of nowhere had the courage to stand up to Nigel Farage.
If not hating people with AIDS is her political win then she has a long way to go.
Which brings us on to…..
Nigel “Man of the People” Farage
If you think that voting for the man down the pub is a good idea then go to a Wetherspoons at 10am on a Tuesday morning and see what the Light and Bitter drinkers have to say about social economic policies.
Every time I see him on television he’s continuously insisting he’s not racist which probably isn’t a good idea as for most people voting for him that’s UKIP’s USP.
Nick “I’m So Sorry” Clegg
I’d like to start off by defending ‘ol Cleggers. The reason he wasn’t able to keep his election promises was that HE DID’T WIN THE ELECTION.
In fact he got less seats than he expected at the last election. Let’s put this in perspective. The Lib Dems got 57 seats at the last election and Labour got 258. No one is complaining about their wasted Labour vote are they?
And anyway, did all these soap dodging students actually vote? I doubt it. If Labour taught us anything it’s that a University education for everyone just creates students of David Beckham Studies.
That said, a vote for the Lib Dems is no longer the wasted vote it once was. Oh no, a Lib Dem vote is a good, firm “I don’t know” vote and if you don’t know if you are sort of left or sort of right then just tick the “I don’t know box”.
Ed
With a stare down the camera that says “I buried my brother under my patio” you might be worried about voting for this one.
I’m surprised he hasn’t played the “son of Polish Jew” card yet as it might win him a few votes. Well, maybe not in Norfolk, and probably not with the Polish community either.
The problem is I have an feeling that he might be a member of the Babylonian Botherhood and that if he did get to power then David Icke will have a big fat smile on his face that says “I told you so”.
David Enron
Where I live people buy houses they can’t afford just so they can get their children into the right school and have vasectomies so they can afford to keep them there.
The notion that we should entrust the country to someone who is ill educated is crazy. If you don’t agree with me then just Google “George W Bush”.
That said David Enron has a face I want to slap and not in a 50 Shades of Grey kind of way.
I hope that this article has helped to swing your vote or at the very least amuse you.
All opinions are my own and not necessarily those of the owners of this blog site. I bet though if you gave them a couple of glasses of Merlot they might reveal their political stance but that’s a story for another day.
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